Why I’m feeling like this?

I feel pain. Pain in my heart. A pain from the lack of love. I sent my boyfriend away from me. It is impossible to continue to be in that environment, where we bring the worst out of each other. And I wonder. This pain I feel. I feel like it should be because I miss him so much. Yet when I think logically about it, what do I miss. Sure I have plenty of photos where we are smiling together. But behind the smile, behind the thousand words a photograph can tell, are the memories of pain, and arguing. And unfortunately there are now more bad memories than good, and I find it hard to remember that once loving emotion that I Helllld Ooonnnn, sooooo harrd and looonng for. I didn’t stop trying, I didn’t stop trying to remember and to go back to where we came. But now here come the saddest part. That that feeling has subsided. I beg myself to remember this feeling again. I want to continue to love him as once upon a time. But thinking back at it, and remembering it now…A wall in my heart forbidding me to love. To be happy. I want to full myself up. Even the simplest of things, to see others happy, tears me apart. I want to join in, yet this wall inside blocks me. Literally. Physically. Help. Help. Help. I’m trying hard to be strong. Yet. There is something deep inside that doesn’t let me be me. Something that thinks it knows better. I am the master of my emotions, yet it is so overpowering.Piece by piece. A day too long to endure. Trying to understand. Trying to stay calm. Again another chapter in my life where yet again I’m depressed and lost. I don’t give up. Just painful. Painful along the way up.

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