We have now become aquatainces. Coming and going after work. Saying the necessary. Hi. And bye. And sharing a small light hearted information. For me it’s nice in a way. To start from the beginning. But I cannot say that because he cannot, as we are heartbroken, as it will not be the same. Unfortunately. With shame.
I’ve given so much into the relationship, even though at the beginning I was so dubious. The first biggest mistake was to move in together just after 3 months. And the second to take him to my dad’s death, hence revealing him to my family.
The next news is, is that today. We found out when our holidays are. And we are at the same time. The next step is to see where to go. I don’t even want to go back to England. What is there for me. I don’t have anything. No where is home for me anymore. Im back to being a lone ranger.
Today. A good colleague was being racist, which I dont get very often, in fact I can say it’s rare. Today I got offended. I don’t get offended easily. And that annoys me the most that I did. Because I already got this heart break inside me, and now on top of that I have to control something else. And I showed my annoyance. But of course in a light hearted way. Cos Im staying strong and not breaking down in front of everyone.
I finished soon after. And went straight up to the deck hoping to get some peace and quiet. Again for the third night minimum the smoking area was next to the stairs, where they could see me walk up and walk away and know where I am. The worst. Thing was that when we approached the lock for the river. I got very. Claustrophobic. Uncomfortable. And I ran away. I never knew how it was until today. I only ever seen it from the inside. All four walls caving in. Trapped again once more. I couldn’t deal with that on top of today.
Conclusion is that I don’t want to break up with him becuase of the effort of exposure, and the most stupid part is because of love, I cannot stay away. The logical thing is to leave because actually my heart and mind is telling me it’s not right. But love is strong. Love is stupid.