‘ Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. I want to cry until I’m blind. Until I’m dehydrated and nothing left to cry, yet I will continue to cry. ‘ My thoughts on the Monday morning.
What happened was this. We woke up. He was leaving to go to work. He looked back and paused, a little longer than usual. Not that he normally pauses or looks back normally. And I thought it was a sign. I took the courage to go up and kiss him. But as soon as, a sharp turning of his neck to face the other way. That. Was. It. My heart shattered into a million and thousand pieces. I felt my heart sinking deeper and heavier and vanishing away.
This. Is. The. Reality. My partner. The one who loves me. No longer wants me to kiss him. For that. I cannot go on anymore. Because that is a minimum requirement. I don’t expect something deep or sexual. Just a kiss. A kiss of my love. A kiss to enjoy. A kiss of good luck. A kiss sending my beautiful vibes your way.
Then I cried. As one colleague described to me. I cried “with passion”. And it seems a perfect word to describe. It came from my heart. From my soul. I remembered, once upon a time. I cried similar, but this time it was more real.
I then had to go to work. For the first time in my life. I got drunk whilst working. That is harder to admit. My morals had gone. And funny thing is my colleague saw my red face and thought I had an allergy. I drank plenty of water and then went back to put plenty of powder on.
No. 2, my hands were not firm. And I slipped on a tumbler/rock glass. It was on the counter, so it was ok. But that Never happens to me. Not to me. The girl who has spider senses and full and in touch with herself. It just slipped out my hand.
My break. I packed my bags in front of him. I wanted to leave. I had to leave. I didn’t wanted to see his face again for a very long time.
Incident no.3 I dropped a whole tray of snacks next to the guest, in a full room of guests, while the lecture was going on. My heart was still shaking from the morning. My hands was not steady. Then. I asked for 5 mins for some air. And I ran. I ran. I ran. It was raining, and I couldn’t so too far in 5 minutes. I know I’m strong, and I breathed. And used what Qigong I knew and gathered myself together.
After work. I checked out as usually, and then typed up my letter of resignation. Two copies for the 14 day notice, and one copy of a 24 hours notice forfeitting a fourth of my pay.
After, I sat on the deck and tried to found peace. Like I do. I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, I don’t know how else to do next, what to do next. But all I know is that I need to recollect myself again.
After. I went to the staff party. It was nice. My boss asked me what happened, but he can genuinely see both of us nervous. I’m an open book. I’m a ‘real’ girl, as they say. I have nothing to hide. I told him and it was less awkward than I imagine, considering how he normally is. It was a fun party. Singing dancing drinking. Mainly dancing. It’s funny cos I was drinking my wine out of a double espresso cup. I dont even know how much I drank. But I haven’t had that fun in a while.
Heartbroken. Is all I could say.