He’s tired and angry

Today he came home from work tired. I see it in his face, his eyes, his heart. A mans job is what makes him who he is. My job at this moment is to be with him, only him, solamente.

We have argued tonight. He said. I look tired. Yes I am. His problem I feel, he takes me too heart too much, most of the time it’s a good thing, but the other times, when things should not be taken so seriously, he does not understand me, when I say something light-heartedly. I’m sorry darling, I’m so sorry. I want to say maybe it’s a culture difference, but I know it’s not, I know it’s your personality and the way you love me. The way you like to remember about all the details in life. But I am more about remembering words, specifically, word by word, there are emotions and my personality behind those words. I know, and sometimes when I think you will take my words wrongly I tell you in advance.

My god, it annoys me, the way he is unable to control his emotions. So underdeveloped. He is to what I was when I was 12. Listening to hard brute music to pain away how I feel. But what you don’t realise is its Silence. that is the most important. To stop. And breathe. Take that step back. To see in a different perspective. To take a new light. To breathe a fresh air. And not to pollute it with more noise and riot and smoke to add on the pain and not being to control it yourself because you’re just finding ways to HIDE the pain. Not healing it. And that is my upmost most most most most biggest problem. I don’t care if you talk loud, my father does the same.

…I don’t want to live the fate of my mother and for him to realise this control…until it’s too late for me. I love him so so much I’m willing to give up my health for him. My life. Anything and everything. I wouldn’t know what to do if he ever went away. My only lover.

My love for him so deep. He drives mad. Mad in love. It’s crazy and I’m crazy for being able to withold all this being with him in all these moment the I make him crazy.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being good enough for you. I know I’m not because I feel, I see.

Couples have arguments. And I replay in my mind our smiles, our laughter. Not a single moment I imagine my life without you.

I love you. Im sorry I cannot be who you want me to be. I am me. I’m sorry I’m not you. You changed so much being with me, yet I find it so so difficult this change for myself. But for our love I will never give up, to be the perfect one for you.


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