This is the question I had always asked myself.
And on the evening underground, my new found friend had asked me ‘Who are you?’. I gave a half-hearted laugh, my eyes lit and I smiled. This is the question. I did so, because I finally know the answer. I composed myself and answered:’That’s a deep question’.
‘How so?’ he replied. My inner me came out and answered (..along the lines of): ‘Because in life, we are constantly learning and changing. It’s a process.”
”So who are you right now?, not the past, not the future, this minute in time?” And in my simplest of words, so naturally did it come it me: ”Tonight, right now, I’m a crazy little girl, not caring about anything else in the world, just living in the moment” And so my night away began. …
I had less than 24 hours to make the most out of my time away from everything, and I certainly embraced it deeply so. It was fun.
This weekend was my weekend off. Just to quickly update I’m working now. Two jobs in fact. One of them was a former job, I am going back into, and looking back to how I am, I feel So much superior. Everything had changed since…my team was gone, the computer system was different, the way the new team did things etc. But all I had to do was to be myself. I’ve Always worked Damn hard. to show that I am the best. And by just being myself, I quickly broke down the barriers of everyone thinking I’m the new girl, to show, to bring back my position of being the boss again. Hard work Always prevails. I feel the change in myself. Working there before, I was just as hard working but I was young and naive and now I am more experienced. A deeper understanding. A higher confidence. To learn and also teach. I work just as hard (if not harder because my body is older), the place itself is the same, the work is the same. I remember my first day back, I was anxious, I was afraid, because it would be the same, because I am not the same, because I have been out of society too long. But it’s Beautiful. Always be your best self, the one you know most true to you.
Other things I have to get off my chest/to reflect on/update…:
My other job – it’s still early days, definitely not something I’d do in the long term (please remind myself of this if I do) but we all got to start from somewhere. I’m just glad I have been given the opportunity. Two jobs with a 2 or 3 hours break in between, is not as tiring as it seems for the energetic person I am…can be.
Everything else/people/family and friends etc – The start of last month a fiasco happened – someone shouted at/frightened me because they cared, but it broke my heart, even though I understood their intentions, I was heartbroken because I was already Depressed, struggling, fighting my way through living each day. I lost that hope, of coming back. But a ‘miracle’ happened. A night where I felt particularly alone, I suddenly got a random surprise message from one of my best friends. I hadn’t talked to her in a while about my situation. A message came up on my phone: ‘You are special’ , ‘You deserve to be happy’. And I let out a tear (just one) . My heart was freed. I was alive once again. An act so simple changed so much. I woke up the next day a new person. I hugged, I talked, I laughed, I smiled. Love. Love is all you need.
This is getting long, so I shall wrap up by summing my weekend off. As much as I think I will ‘always’ feel heart broken, a piece is missing from that ** took from me. Life isn’t so exciting. I don’t have a large circle, or deep conversations with people I can deeply trust, I don’t go out doing the things I want to do – go partying, go exploring new places, discover, etc. But I am happy, I am happy because I appreciate where I am now. At the moment, it is enough; it is enough to know I have progressed, I am not where I was last month. This weekend has taught me I am still young and I deserve to be free – to get drunk, to go crazy, to take risks and see the unknown. It has taught me – I am secure; I am confident. I could not have said that a year ago.
Who am I?
Life’s a journey of constant change and discovery.
One thing I know for sure: I am. You are Special!