What I’m learning without you

I meant what I said, when I said to you ‘Ima just keep quiet, work hard and let you know only when I’ve made it’. That was the last straw and it should of been long before that. Because if I continue, I would be wanting something that is just not there,… not even the slightest recognition. (even though, perhaps deep down I know it does mean something to you too.)

Right now, what I am trying to concentrate on is myself. This is what I should of done more of over a year ago, before I met you. All the times I was with you, I knew I should’ve of been the person I am now. My own self discovering independent woman. I tried, but instead, I clung onto half of what I knew  and hoped that something more would come out of it. I don’t know if it was me wanting to get rid of my past self and to hold onto you or because … You are vanilla, probably both. And so you unconsciously became my mission to chase. (the only one I had ever needed to). I accomplished, but, with hindsight, we Both didn’t know how to stop and chaos began.

Which leaves me now. Stranded. In a way, it does feel like I’ve wasted a year. A year of channelling my real intentions to discover who I’m meant to be. I did, but I guess half heartedly because you were beside me, so it wasn’t so bad. Times were slightly easier. The difference is now I’m forced to make the choice of my own, and not the one We made/you helped me to see. And it makes it more wasted, because we always knew from the start that it was never meant to be. We was just playing a game, as much as we both won, ..we also both lost. Saying that back to myself, it seems such a stupid move to play, something that should of never been played, but I underestimated my will of withdrawal, I never imagined I’d get so caught up. I became weak.

Although, on the other hand, I thank thee. I thank you most for healing my wounds. For a listening ear. To hear the secrets I’ve never told. That I’ve been too ashamed to tell. To rip out the thorns so buried deep inside. and there I lay naked, asking why, why would you want to know, want to be with such a person. Tbh, to this day I don’t remember what you answered, but I do know, I do remember, like you do, you’ve always helped me gain perspective. Perspective to see that things aren’t so bad after all. That all this is just life. That’s one thing I miss. I miss calling you up for advice, but actually by now I know you all too well, and asking myself what would you say would be enough to answer myself question.  It was fun while it lasted, eh.

And now. And now, for the first time in my life, I feel …  .Single. And like fate made me find you, a few months later, fate made me find OS guy. Now, there’s No attraction there and he’s just as vanilla as you are. And what I’ve learnt, from him, from you, from myself, is that, No. No. I’m not gonna make the same mistake and chase him. There is no need. Because what I need to do, what is most important is myself. It’s almost been two years since I’ve graduated, and I generally haven’t had a head start in life. What I’ve realised is, what I’ve always struggled to is, is to embrace and love yourself enough. To feel secure Enough of your choices that it can’t be argued when someone asks you. To not change yourself for Anyone, to continue to be who you are because people will judge regardless, only the best will stay but Only you know yourself best and Only you can tell yourself your true value. You are your best project, you are priority; the rest will naturally come to you.

This is only the start. (I’ve been tempted to contact perhaps the not so vanilla guy, to uplift me, it couldn’t hurt haha, but I’ll stay strong : P ). The start is the hardest part, but time will prevail and I’m glad I’ve realised all the things I’ve needed to. Would it of made a difference without you and save me my year, would I have been able to heal my past wounds by myself, I do not know. But I know for sure. I do not regret it at all. You are the first, and (hopefully) the last to break my heart. I used to be so proud, to be so heartless to never have cried at a film or feel deep in such a way. And now, last week I had the ‘watching movies to make you cry’ phase, (but also over the rest of the troubles in my life to cry about too). So I thank thee again. I thank you for opening my heart. To be able to feel deeper than I have before. I guess that’s why I feel so awake, more concious than I have been. I prefer the new me. Although, a long long way to go, and some naivety still there; it was much better than before. I see much clearly finally.

I do wonder how you are now. And I know, you wonder too. I will continue to work on myself. I will work hard to be who I’m meant to be, without any distractions and regardless of what comes my way, with utmost focus. And then when time comes, you will see, you will see what a great woman I’ve become. And perhaps, one that days, you will feel within, how proud. you will be. of me.

(And if not, I did it for myself, to find my own two feet, without getting lost anymore in the world. I did it For Me. ) x



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