I am Tired.
I am not tired of trying. I am tried of being the only one trying to make myself happy. It is Effort. Every second of the day, just gearing yourself on. People can see I am dissatisfied, yet my spirits are not lifted. They don’t go out of their way to make me happy. And I am worthy to be.  Do I not mean that much to them? Do I have to cry in front them for them and breakdown for them to understand the pain and agony I’m going through?
Why isn’t there anyone out there?
Sometimes, I feel so alone. Needing someone to understand, someone to hug, someone to give me a smile.
I will keep going and I will keep trying to love myself. But it is hard sometimes to find the motivation.
I brought myself some roses the other night. I go to sleep and wake up to them, makes me realise for a split moment: ‘I. love. Myself’ and it is enough. (should be enough)
It’s tiring. This endless conquest of trying to live my life like its alright.
I keep telling myself today the recent lesson of ‘life goes on’, yes I can’t keep having days off ‘work’, yes, there are family matters to attend to, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel everyone is so Blind. It’s not that I hide it well, I try to, but can they not notice that they haven’t seen me smile for so long?
I am tired, and I am tempting to go back to my old ways to find happiness, to go back to the dark side. That side is so much easier, so much more content. I know the hard way, I will be more fulfilled, but life feels like one cruel game, and has always.
There is no guidance. No one to help me but myself. and I really cannot do this on my own.
I will be going on holiday in 3 days time. I should be excited. but what difference is that gonna change. I can’t afford to think that far ahead, because it scares me. It scares me knowing I will fail, and baby steps does it. Just one minute, one second at a time. I will continue to work hard, without too much hope. Just a neutral being, trying to be in harmony.
Just waiting. Waiting for that break. My opportunity to arise.
I beg. I beg. Please, cannot you see how hard I have worked, am trying to change and become better, learning, reading, adapting, growing.. yet it is not enough?

So I shall hug myself to sleep tonight, every night, and wake up fresh to roses, that I have brought myself, and continue to work hard at trying get out this cycle and achieve to sparkle once more.

Staying Strong x


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